I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can’t stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert
But I can live and breathe
And see the sun in wintertime
It says something about my life that my not being able to go to prison today sucks.
Now I only work at a prison, so that is quite a lot different then actually serving time.
Vast night I was not exactly wrestling with my Desmond, as it were. Last night was more like I was stuck at a house party , and my demons would not leave and instead kept trying to corner me and talk about this really cool screen play they had written. While they get considerably more and more drunk as the party goes on.
Paranoia is not something that happens to me much. When I do succumb to the temptation to give into these dark thoughts they tend to be in strange and off putting ways. Like the other day I was getting out of the shower. When I looked over at my bathroom scale. And the digital display light up for a second and words and symbols s roiled across the screen disputed the fact that nothing was being place on it. In my mind it meant to Hat my bad digital karma had caught up to me with me and eldritch horror had connected from whatever realm it was stuck in , and was trying to breach itself into my reality by talking to my scale.
I did not think about this for more than a second, before I dismissed this notion. But for a second or so it seemed like maybe something could be happening.
That is the most tiring part of my job.Unlike the couple of seconds it took to realize that the only horror that would be happening in my bathroom would be of the normal sort instead of something H.P.Lovecraft inspired. My work names me feel like something is going on .
Trying to decide if my management is actively seeking my doom, or if they are just incompetent and are just treating everyone badly, takes a considerable amount energy.
It’s like when you are in a relationship with someone , and you have decided to “let them have it” maybe you have not se used to “Dump” them , but you have a laundry list of what the problems are and how they are the other persons fault, and you have a few suggestions about what they should be doing about it.
So you get a few sentences into what is shaping up to be an epic triad. In you mind you intended “student” might have had some kind of response, to getting schooled.
But instead of realizing your moral high ground, and starting on the lengthy list of how they were going to make it up to you, instead they had the temerity to actually have something else to say on the topic.
So maybe you let them speak with grace, or maybe you are reaentful but either way once they start talking suddenly you’re not so certain of everything you were going to say before. Some of the points to bring up even make it seem like well maybe some of the things are maybe fault. Maybe you’re the one who’s been screwing up. Suddenly you went from feeling confident that you were going to The one giving them the business, to getting the feeling like maybe it’s time to start sharpening your pencil because school is in session and you’ve got some homework to do.
That could be a bad feeling and it could be inconvenient but what are you about someone you’re in a relationship with you know there’s going to be give-and-take. But when it’s a job. When you’re talking about not knowing whether your supervisors or actually concerned with your work performance or maybe it’s just you they don’t like let alone some other more sinister thing, well that can just be tiring.
Which is where I find myself.